The rot in schools is a reflection of society’s moral standing, sociologist says

40 Students from various high schools were arrested for having sex, smoking tobacco and bhang in a Nairobi-bound bus on Wednesday. The students were travelling home for the August holiday when police intercepted the bus on Karatina-Nairobi highway.

A female student among the 40 arrested was Friday morning charged with being in possession of marijuana when a thorough search from police found bhang, matchboxes and tobacco hidden in the girls underwear. The driver and the conductor of the bus were also charged with several traffic offenses.

Tongues have been wagging on who really is to blame for the students behaviour with questions such as have society, teachers, parents failed in their roles in raising young adults?

According to Dr. Benair Muchocho, Sociologist and Senior Lecturer at University of Nairobi, society is to blame for who the youth are growing up to become. “The indiscipline of the students is a reflection of what Kenyans represent. It is an extension of what the society stands for whether it is the corruption in the police department, the cover-ups, the elections, it is just a sign of the overall moral decay in Kenya,” he says.

“How are the students accessing the drugs, what is the school authority doing to make sure there is no drug use in the school?” Dr. Muchocho asks. According to him the children begin to indulge in drugs and sex because we as a society have failed them like in the case of a school where it maybe a teacher, watchman, school employee who is the drug peddler.

The information age has also played a big role into the behaviour of our teenagers where the child has free access to anything they want to access of the Internet. The parents also need to stop burying their heads in the sand because, modern day children cannot live the way grandparents live because there are different norms and behaviour. “If you do not talk instill discipline in the children when youth, they will research on sex, how drugs are smoked on their mobile phones and that is how they get exposed,” he says.

Confession: My Husband Raped Me On Our Wedding Night

-Yes, Marital Rape Is Real, Eden Strong a writer at Your tango and blogger at Its not my shame to bear tells you more with a personal confession. A marriage certificate means a lot of things, but it’s NOT an excuse for rape. Read the touching story below.

“I was sick the day of my wedding and had struggled to make it through the ceremony and the reception. Once in our room, I was struggling to keep from collapsing in a feverish heap under my dress. I always imagined losing my virginity on my wedding night and I wanted the moment to be everything I’d always dreamt it would be. I loved my new husband and I wanted to give him something special, not some half-assed feverish attempt, so I told him I wanted to wait until morning.

That didn’t stop him from peeling off my white dress. I started crying and said that I was scared, but he told me that everyone was scared on their first time. I tried to get up, but he held me down, saying that as my husband, I needed to trust that he knew what he was doing.

I told him I wanted to wait until I felt better, but he told me that he had waited long enough. I don’t even remember much of what happened after the initial struggle, all I know was that one minute I was a virgin, and the next … I wasn’t. I remember sobbing.

“That was awful,” he spewed at me. “I can’t believe I waited all this time for that.” As he wrapped his arms around me with a trap-like grip that I couldn’t escape from, his voice went from angry to stern as he said, “I’ll show you what you need to do from now on, and you’ll learn. You’re my wife now; we’re supposed to be having sex.” His words came across as more of a fact than a reassurance.

So there we were, my virginity gone and my heart broken. I felt like I had let him down. I felt like I had let myself down. So many thoughts went through my head: Why couldn’t I have been one of those wives? Why did I have to ruin our first time? Why had I failed at giving him something I had planned my whole life? Why did it hurt so badly? Why was I so terrified? Why did I feel so dirty?

“You resist too much, you cry too hard, and you aren’t any good,” he would tell me every time we had sex. “I can’t even come because you are crying so effing hard, I can’t even stand to look at you,” he would hiss in my face as the weight of his body crushed the air right out of my chest. “You’ll need to try harder next time.”

I was his wife. Sex is supposed to happen in marriage. Why couldn’t I be like all the other wives? Why was I failing him so miserably? Why did the thought of him make my stomach churn and the feeling of his skin upon mine make me wish I were a million miles away?

Somewhere along the way I stopped saying no. ‘No’ didn’t mean anything anyways. Fighting back was fruitless and crying just made him berate me. I began to believe that I was a terrible wife and that terrible wives need their husbands to put them in their place.

It wasn’t long before I just started to fade away. Anywhere was better than where I was, and anything was better than living in my own failure. Each night, when he would climb on top of me, my body would be there but my mind drifted away to a world where he didn’t exist, where I didn’t exist.

Years went by and children were born. The sex never got any better and he never got any gentler. I never learned how to please him the way he needed. Eventually he found other women who could.

Now that he’s gone, I realize that although we stood together at the altar and vowed to give each other love, respect, honor, and commitment—he’s the one who didn’t live up to our vows. I gave him my love, respect, honor, and commitment and he took everything.

Sometimes I wonder why it took me such a long time to realize such a fundamental concept: that no means no and rape is rape. I think it’s because rape, sadly, is still a very fluid claim. “She was drunk,” they say. “She teased him,” say others. There are so many reasons and excuses and gray areas that pull the victim into the blame category and it all creates an awful place where facts go to die.

“I’m married,” I assured myself. I said “I do,” but I never said yes. And as soon as I said no, it became rape.

Women do not regret having an abortion, study

Ninety-five percent of women who have had abortions do not regret the decision to terminate their pregnancies, according to a study published last week in the multidisciplinary academic journal PLOS ONE. The study was carried out by researchers from the Bixby Center for Global Reproductive Health at UC San Francisco’s School of Medicine, and from the university’s division of biostatistics.

Its conclusions come after a three-year research period in which nearly 670 women were regularly surveyed on the subject of their abortions. The sample group was diverse with regard to standard social metrics (race, education, and employment) and on the matter of what the study calls pregnancy and abortion circumstances. Financial considerations were given as the reasons for an abortion by 40 percent of women; 36 percent had decided it was “not the right time;” 26 percent of women found the decision very or somewhat easy; 53 percent found it very or somewhat difficult.

The authors of the study concluded that the “overwhelming majority” of the women participating in the study felt that abortion had been the right decision “both in the short-term and over three years.”

These results offer a statistical retort to the claim that women who have abortions suffer emotionally as a result, as anti-abortion campaigners claim. Previous studies cited in support of this claim, researchers said, “suffer from shortcomings, leaving the question of women’s post-abortion emotions unresolved.”

The new study is careful to avoid generalities. It discerns between having lingering emotions after an abortion and regretting the abortion altogether — two distinct responses that pro-lifers tend to conflate — and concludes that post-abortion emotional reactions are normal, but almost inevitably taper over time, and that ultimately, very few women altogether regret terminating their pregnancies.


Gilgil boys sneak into girls’ school dressed in skirts

More than 10 students from two public schools in Gilgil have been sent home after a sex scandal was exposed. A source told the Star students from Koelel Boys High School at the weekend sneaked to Gilgil Girls Secondary School dorms.

The source said some of the boys may have bribed the night guard to be allowed into the school.“A group of boys last week entered the school dressed in skirts but a teacher got a hint and arrested three. The rest disappeared into the darkness,” the source said.

Speaking to the Star on the phone, Gilgil subcounty education officer Samuel Njathi said all the students involved have been disciplined. He said the incident is regretful and that they are investigating allegations that this has been going on. “I have visited the two schools over the issue and disciplinary action has been taken against all the students involved,” Njathi said.

“We are questioning how a group of boys can sneak into a girls’ dormitory severally without the management’s knowledge,” she said. The parent called on the Education ministry to fully investigate the matter and take action against the management for inefficiency.

– The Star

Taita Taveta County Allocates Sh 0.6m to Buy Condoms

Taita-Taveta County government has allocated sh600,000 in the next financial year to purchase condoms lest the region suffers shortage. In 2015/16 budget, the executive proposed that the money should be set aside to ensure that the region doesn’t suffer should the demand for condoms in the region exceed the supply. Normally, the supply of condoms is done by the national government through National Aids and STIs Control Program (NASCOP).

Speaking to KNA Wednesday, Governor John Mruttu said that the money was allocated as contingency vote should the national government fail to meet the demand for condoms in the region. He said that the region has never suffered from lack of condoms but warned that his government was not taking any chances with the lives of the people.

“It’s a prudent move to allocate money for purchase of condoms in case there should be a shortage. The national government has always supplied the products but we also need to have our measures in place just in case anything happens,” he said.

The allocation comes at a time when the region is experiencing a massive influx of people from other regions owing to the multi-million shillings infrastructure projects currently underway. It is estimated that thousands of young people are working in the Standard Gauge Railway (SGR) project while hundreds others are working for the China City and Construction Company, a contractor who is building a major road from Taveta to Mwatate.

As a result, hundreds of commercial sex workers have invaded the region hoping to cash in on the windfall from the project. Also, there are heightened commercial activities along the Nairobi-Mombasa Road especially at night which is has become a major concern for health experts over increase in HIV infection rates. Maungu Township and Voi town are at the center of the activities given the high numbers of truckers and other travelers who make stopovers at the two towns

Governor Mruttu said that the allocation of the money was meant to cushion the region should there be a scarcity of the products. He argued that it was not uncommon for counties to plan for emergencies should they arise. He added that supply of TB drugs was also a national government function under the Ministry of Health but stated that his county was also setting aside money for the same.


Tips On Having A Having A Happy Relationship

A relationship takes time and a lot of effort to grow, become and stay stable. Many couples are finding it extremely difficult to keep their relationships functional while raising kids, going to work doing business etc.

With that in mind many end up postponing spending time with their spouses and thus affecting their relationships/marriages. It doesn’t have to be that way, we can always make a schedule that will include work, family and relationships to make things work.

Here are quick tips are guaranteed to improve your relationship with your partner, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Whenever you feel the urge to bury yourself in your work, do yourself a favour and hit that play button again and again.

Setting a daily routine for you and your relationship is a MUST.

Whether it means setting up a weekly double date with your best friend or setting aside time for just the two of you, having a routine will motivate you. Getting out of the house for some much needed fresh air is a good first step if you’re not sure where to start.

Be honest about what you’re feeling.

It doesn’t matter how obvious your mommy hood stress is, chances are, your husband doesn’t fully understand what’s going on. Don’t be afraid to let him in.

Call in some reinforcements.

There’s nothing wrong with getting outside help from time to time. Get rid of that mentality RIGHT NOW. Having an extra set of eyes and ears on the situation can make a huge difference.

Sometimes, putting your marriage first is necessary.

Here us out. Your children are your world, end of story. But sometimes, you get so caught up in being parents that you forget that being a parent isn’t your only identity.

Kimberley Anderson says, “I think one of the most important things that couples can do is celebrate their identities as husband and wife, rather than just a mother and a father. Parenting [is] very de-eroticizing. I think it’s important [that you] jazz things up by seeing your partner as a man and a woman and not just as the father or the mother of your child.”

Agree to disagree.

All healthy couples fight. It’s completely natural. How you handle those arguments is what really matters. Remember that fighting isn’t about finding a clear winner, but getting to a point where you both feel heard and understood.

PDA is totally healthy!  

Showing your kids just how much you love each other will impact the way they see future relationships.


Drinking Coffee Can Give You Better Boners: Study

According to a new study, ‘men who drink the equivalent caffeine level of two to three cups of coffee a day are less likely to have erectile dysfunction.’

A study released earlier this week by University of Texas Health Science Center in Houston, found that men who consumed between 85 and 170 milligrams of caffeine a day were 42 per cent less likely to report erectile dysfunction, than those who didn’t consume any.

Men who consumed between 171 and 303 milligrams of caffeine a day were 39 per cent less likely to report performance issues.

The study used data from the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey, where erectile dysfunction was assessed by a single question. Caffeine sources in the study included tea, soda and sports drinks, as well as coffee.

Caffeine makes the muscles in the penis more relaxed, and those relaxed muscles mean increased blood flow and hence stronger boners.

The suggested biological mechanism is that caffeine triggers a series of pharmacological effects that lead to the relaxation of the penile helicine arteries and the cavernous smooth muscle that lines cavernosal spaces, thus increasing penile blood flow.

Well well well !! So how about you fix your man a cup of coffee?


Militiamen rape 127 women in East Congo town

Armed men raped 127 women earlier this month during a raid on a town in eastern Democratic Republic of Congo’s South Kivu province, medical charity Medecins Sans Frontieres (MSF) said on Thursday.

Some 60 militiamen assaulted the women during a May 1 attack on the town of Kikamba in the province of South Kivu’s Shabunda region, MSF said in a statement. It did not identify the armed group responsible for the attack.

Dozens of armed groups operate in Eastern Congo, where a 1998-2003 conflict killed millions of people, mostly from hunger and disease. Both state and rebel forces have been accused by rights groups of using rape as a weapon of war.

In November, Congolese Army General Jerome Kakwavu became the highest ranking official convicted of rape by a military tribunal in Congo while a rebel commander in northeastern Congo was convicted from 2003-2005.


You Won’t Believe What Toni Braxton’s Gynecologist Told Her To Do

Toni Braxton’s gynecologist gave a very interesting recommendation to the singer recently: Use it or lose it.

“My gynecologist told me, ‘Toni, you need to start using your vagina more,'” the 47-year-old singer told the ladies of “The View” earlier this week.

Yep, she went there. On Wednesday, Braxton stopped by HuffPost Live and gave some backstory on the anecdote.

“I said that out loud, didn’t I?” she said, laughing. “I need to start dating. I’ve been divorced almost two years and I haven’t really meant anyone I’ve liked yet, so I haven’t really been out there.”

Braxton finalized her divorce from Keri Lewis in 2013, after 12 years of marriage and two sons. Part of the reason she’s remained single since then? Guys just aren’t stepping up.

“You know, interestingly [guys] really don’t approach me,” Braxton told HuffPost Live’s Nancy Redd. “They’ll say ‘hi,’ or ‘I love your work’ or ‘I’d love to get together some time’ but they never really follow it through.”


Reasons why orgasms help you have a good day

According to Kit Murray Maloney, Founder and CEO of O’actually, an adult entertainment site that is focused on women’s pleasure, starting your day with an orgasm is a good thing, infact it will help you have a great day.

1. If you start your day off in a pleasurable way you will be more in the mindset to do other things that will make you feel good. We often go through our day thinking about the things that we have to do but they are usually things that do not make us happy. If you start your day off feeling good you will be more likely to complete your tasks in a way that is fun for you.

2. To have a great day your mind and your body must be in sync. What better way to do this than with the Big O? Whether you have a partner there or not you can make sure that your mind and your body are in sync for the day.

3. We all have such busy lives that we often think that there is no time for the joyful things in life anymore. Starting your day off this way will help to reassure you that there is still time and that you can make the time if you really want to. It doesn’t take much out of your day to get it started off right!

4. Cortisol is a stress hormone. It is released in times of high stress and can add a lot of belly fat if you don’t control it properly. One way to do this is to get plenty of sleep. Another way to lower your cortisol levels is to have an orgasm in the morning when you wake up. This also helps to raise your oxytocin levels which leaves you feeling happy and relaxed.

5. At times when people need to focus and have some clarity they turn to meditation. This works for some people but have a little morning romp in the sack can do the same thing for you and is far more fun.

6. Did you know that orgasms can help your brain function better? When you climax your body released DHEA which is a hormone that helps brain health. You can have a better memory and better focus!

-Isabella Carson

Types of relationships you shouldn’t think about having

As we age, we are bound to get into relationships for love , companionship, marriage, money, convenience and sometimes just for the fun of it. Well, there are some types of relationships that we should steer clear from.

For one reason or another we may end up liking someone and developing a relationship that should not happen in the first place. This is because these relationships are the kind that never develop to anything serious. The forbidden fruit will always be sweeter but its best not to pick it in the first place.

Here are examples:

Step/ distant relative: Many people grow around their extended family with cousins, step brothers etc and it’s very likely that the fact that they are always together can bring them close. They end up sharing details of their lives with each other and an unlikely bond grows. You do not want to get involved with a step sibling or cousin no matter how distant they are, it’s just not right and in a typical African setting it is a taboo. Plus unless in case of Muslims, it is considered incest because of the blood relation.

A neighbour:  Just because you regularly hangout with someone repeatedly and they are fun to be around doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. Being exposed to someone repeatedly can play a trick on your mind and make you attracted to that person. Add the fact they they are a second away from you makes it even more fun, plus if you feel like a little “play” you can just walk to their house. But the question is do you have feelings or the accessibility and convenience is what is exciting you? If you are not careful you will end up with a broken heart from your “friendly matches”

A religiously person: A priest, nun, sheikh or someone of a different religion. This is probably the most exciting because you probably know it’s against the rules so the thrills will keep you going. Incase of someone of a different religion, if you don’t intend to convert then stay away.

Doctor/lawyer/Client/therapist: Your doctor, lawyer or a client are a no go zone. This is because you as the client will end up feeling close because you open up to this person who listens to your woes. You will feel bonded to them for this reason, and, should he like the details of your life, he may develop feelings for you. The truth of the matter is professional laws do not permit such relationships and in most cases, people who get involved with their clients do it to a lot of them so don’t feel special.

The playboy: Everyone knows he is a player/doesn’t respect women/thinks he is God’s gift to the earth etc. He’s also a narcissist but no you still like him and want to date him. Do yourself a favour and move on, he will not want something long term. It’s all fun and games till he moves on to another one

Man charged with sodomising boy while armed armed with a toy gun

A man was charged Thursday with sodomising a 10-year-old boy. He threatened him using a toy pistol and kitchen knife, the court heard.

Matata Mtevu, 34, allegedly committed the offence on April 20 at Industrial Area. The child told police he was playing with other children when he stepped aside for a short call.

A man in a hood then grabbed him from behind and took him away. The suspect then threatened to kill him if he shouted for help.

The suspect was spotted leaving the thicket by the child’s grandmother, but fled before she caught him. The suspect was arrested the same evening.

He denied the charges before senior principal magistrate Timothy Okello and was released on Sh100,000 bond. The case will be mentioned on May 14.

10 signs of emotionally unavailable people

When you are dating and you feel like you’re neither moving forward nor moving back or it feels like you’re wishing the person you are with was something else and not who they are, then chances are you are in a dead end relationship.

It’s not easy to tell or admit that you are in such a relationship more because the signs are often dismissible. But instead of ignoring you should be more careful as it shows a potential issue in the future.

Here are the signs of unavailable People:

1. They are married or in a relationship with someone else.
2. They have one foot on the gas pedal, one foot on the brake.
3. They are emotionally distant, shut down, or can’t deal with conflict.
4. They’re mainly interested in sex, not relating emotionally or spiritually.
5. They are practicing alcoholics, sex addicts, or substance abusers
6. They prefer long distance relationships, emails, texting, or don’t introduce you to their friends and family.
7. They are elusive, sneaky, frequently working or tired, and may disappear for periods.
8. They are seductive with you but make empty promises — their behavior and words don’t match.
9. They’re narcissistic, only consider themselves, not your needs.
10. They throw you emotional crumbs or enticing hints of their potential to be loving, then withdraw.

These signs may be more obvious than others. It’s tricky: we tend to show our best selves in the honeymoon stage of a romance. It can take time for a person’s unavailability to emerge. That’s why it’s eye-opening to look at a partner’s relationship history. Who he or she was previously with reveals volumes about their capacity for intimacy now. Beware of rationalizing, “I’m different. This person would never be that way with me.”

Habits are hard to break.


Emotions experienced during dating

When one is dating or in a relationship, there will always be highs and lows and with that comes a roller coaster of emotions. The emotions vary depending on the reasons why we experience them and the moments we have them, but they are totally normal to those dating.

Some of the emotions are negative, although in a good way because it’s as a result of “wanting”, needing”, yearning and not as a result of lacking.

 Frustration – When you haven’t spoken to your partner in a while say a day or two it can become frustrating. Yes you know that they are thinking about you and you are thinking about them but still the fact that you miss them gets you a bit edgy.

Sadness – Just like being frustrated, one can feel sad especially after a fight or because of something they said that they feel was a bit rough. Sometimes you can also feel sad because your partner is going through something and it makes you sad that they are sad.

Happy – Because you have someone who has your back, makes you laugh, makes you feel good about yourself etc. Thinking about them and the moments you share together just make life much better for you as it brightens up your day.

Angry – He hasn’t called, and you miss him terribly or maybe you just want him to hug you and hold you for a minute, so you get angry. It works all the time, as the girls to tell you.

Scared – You have bared your soul and have been naked (not literally) for this person. They have seen you at your lowest point, you have let them into your world, they know your dreams, fears etc. yet they still love you. It’s scary to have someone know you that deeply and it’s even scarier especially the thought that you might lose them.

Excited – When you are going to meet them or you know that they are coming over to see you, it feels like butterflies in your stomach because you know that you are creating another memory together.

Naïve – The way you feel when you learn something new from them, the things you teach each other. The fact that you explore and learn about new places together and allow the lessons and experiences bring you closer.

Terminating Pregnancy

“ Nakuomba Nereah usioe mimba yangu, Mungu akileta mtoto analeta sahani yake, mlete nitamlea, usitoe mimba yangu, Mungu akileta mtoto analeta sahani yake,” are the lyrics to Sauti Sol’s brand new song ‘Nerea’ featuring Amos and Josh.

The songs has elicited mixed reactions especially from women. In our morning conversation with Larry Asego he asked the women, “how credible is a man who tells you that you shouldn’t terminate a pregnancy he will raise the child?”

Statistics show that 450,000 pregnancies are terminated each year. How many men stay put after a woman tells him they are pregnant.

According to some of our women callers, matters abortion are not as easy as ‘Nerea’ is trying to make it seem. Men will always promise to take care of the unborn child and when the child comes they are not in the picture.

Another caller says that women should give men a choice if an abortion is concerned. “What if the man is willing to raise the child and you go behind his back and get the pregnancy terminated?” says one man.

What’s your take on this subject? Listen to the conversation below

Are you being used? Signs

Until your friends or family mention it , most of the times when you’re in a “relationship” where you are being used its highly unlikely that you will admit to it until its very late.

There are usual signs that most of us ignore because of the “high” of love, so we don’t see ourselves being used.

Tabs on you You often find yourself paying every time the two of you are out on a date. It is ok to pay the bill sometimes even for women or sometimes split, if you always foot the bills just know that he’s using you. A man who knows your worth his time will have no qualms paying a bill.

You meet when it’s convenient for them – If they talk to you or meet you when they require something, you should get the hint. Sometimes, girls fail to understand this habit of men and end up thinking that the guy is asking her for advice.

He is financially dependent on you 
Apart from you paying for your dates,  you also help their bills. This is probably one of the greatest signs you need to watch out for. If they don’t even bother paying bills, it’s time for you to walk out.

How to move on after a break up

Whatever the reason for breaking-up, it doesn’t make sense for you to wallow in sorrow for the rest of your life.

It’s ok to have some time to cry and get over the pain, but it’s more important to think about you and how you will move forward.

Clear you baggage – When you break up there is a lot of baggage that comes with it depending on how long you had been dating. Your baggage will mainly be caused by mixed emotions from anger, resentment, pain, sadness, regret etc. You will need to accept what has happened and let it go. It will not come easy or fast but once you accept the situation it will be easier to handle it and move forward.

Talk to a friend – This is easier for women as they have a group of girlfriends that they talk to about everything. However for men it is hard as most of them prefer to just deal with the emotions alone. It’s advisable to get a close friend with whom you are free with to talk to and express yourself. They may not lessen the pain, however by expressing your feelings it makes it a bit easier for you, as you let your pain out.

Pray – Whatever power you believe in pray, not only because you are weak but because there is a healing power in prayer. Plus it is also a form of therapy as you let out your fears and emotions with no fear of judgment.

Reduce contact with your ex- You broke up for a reason and as such the less the contact the better and faster for you to move on. Unless you have business that you do together keep away for as much as you can. Staying in touch will make it harder for you to move on.

Seek closure – You can ask your partner for your own peace of mind what were the reasons behind what happened. This will be painful as you are bound to be opening wounds that will take time to heal, but it will make it easier as you will learn from whatever it is that brought upon the break up.

Forgive – It will be difficult but it will give you peace. Forgive your ex-partner and move on with your life as holding on to resentment will do you no good.

Get hobbies – Go out and do what you love, be it swimming, dancing, travelling , hanging out with friends etc. It will get your mind off the stressful situation and besides it will be an opportunity to meet and build new networks. This will help relax your mind.

The Author, Ms. Chituyi is a relationship expert.

Your body language is killing your relationship, here’s how

Every day you communicate far more to others than you ever actually say out loud. How? By giving off “vibes.” Whether it’s the obviously annoyed sigh you toss at the barista who dared to take 30 seconds too long making your morning latte, or the long, lingering glance you subtly give the man on the train letting him know, Hello, there. I find you attractive — All day, every day, you send out non-verbal messages to friends, family, and colleagues (as well as strangers) that communicate loud and clear: Leave me alone. I’m busy. I’m friendly. I’m scared. I want you. Back off!

Often referred to as “body language,” these non-verbal, energetic messages these “vibes” impact our relationships in powerful and often destructive ways. Nowhere more so than in our intimate relationships, where we often use vibes in dishonest, cruel, or passive-aggressive ways to get what we want (or to punish our partners when we don’t).

Do you see yourself in any of these scenarios?

1. You Use Silence as a Punishment
Your partner takes an action or makes a choice and you disapprove. So you send your sweetie a small, micro-aggressive energetic smack that conveys your contempt, lack of respect, and ultimate dismissal of them all without using a single nasty word or a negative tone.

Your partner, who is deeply attuned to your energy, immediately picks up that vibratory message in their body — and feels your vibe intensely, like a punch in the gut (literally, they’ll suddenly feel sick or nervous in their stomach). Yes, you said, “It’s fine. No big deal.” But your partner feels the disconnect between your vibe and your word and it hurts. And, be honest, you meant it to.
Of course, when your partner reacts strongly to this wound from you, you feign ignorance, pretend you did nothing, and accuse them of overreacting.
Over time, most couples get better and better at this technique. You wound one another with the smallest movement, a slight change in posture, a look, or a minor change in their voice. That small, dismissive micro-aggressive gesture, or facial expression conveys the message: I only love you when you do what I want. If you displease me, I’ll make you pay for it. It’s the art of subtle cruelty; quiet violence that leaves no visible fingerprints. Your partner is left feeling attacked but can’t logically explain why or what happened.

2. You Play the Victim
For those who like to maintain control without ever seeming controlling, the Victim Vibe is the technique of choice. You tell your partner you want something and they don’t want to give it, whether that’s going to an event you’re eager to attend or making a purchase they find unnecessary. And so, you start in on them arguing, badgering, sulking, wearing them down. Finally, they give in (usually begrudgingly or half-heartedly) and you get your way.
But that’s not enough for you — you want service with a smile! Instead of thanking them for acquiescing and then allowing them their honest feelings about how they came to do so, you retaliate by asking, “What’s wrong?” or “What’s going on?,” and act like you’re the victim of their bad energy. Frustrated, they say, “This is what you said you want. But now that you’re getting it, you’re still complaining? Still not happy? What the hell is wrong with you?” Congratulations, you got what you want by ignoring your partner’s feelings, but now you get to make them the bad guy by acting like you’re the victim.

3. You’re An Emotional Bully
With this approach, you’re not taking no for answer and instead of using silence, you’re taking the opposite approach and upping the volume of your words. The goal is to pour a ton of energetic intensity on your partner and create a pressure cooker effect. Put the energetic squeeze on them until you get your way. Bully them. Nag them. Over-explain your point. Lecture. Talk too loud. Talk extra slow like they’re a half-deaf idiot child.

The message is clear — you won’t back off or ease the pressure they feel until you get what you want. By overpowering, you hook all sorts of extra negative baggage onto what should otherwise be a simple message.

4. You Keep Your Partner in the Dark
You give your partner only part of what you know they want or need, especially in conversations. You offer just a taste of it, to hook them, and then you energetically withhold the rest to ensure that you retain control. It’s a not-so-subtle power play made through your tone of voice, timing, and how much you do or do not engage with them.

And what is the “thing” they want and need that you withhold? Why, your love, affection and attention, of course. Your withholding looks like this:
• Your partner tries to tell you about his day, you listen briefly, then change the subject before he finishes.
• Your partner asks to discuss something with you. You agree, but while she talks, you send texts, or surf the web, or check your e-mail or you interrupt the conversation to make or take a less-than-urgent phone call.
• You pretend to pay attention, periodically saying “uh huh” and “okay.” But really you don’t care about the conversation (what they’re trying to tell you) and you’re letting them know with your bored tone and indifferent questions such as, “Who are we talking about, again?”
• You say the right words — “I’m sorry” or “That must really hurt” or “Go on, I’m listening” — but in a bored or uncommitted or uncaring tone.
• You respond in an angry monotone, “Whatever. It doesn’t matter” or (the nastiest of all) “It’s fine.” Meanwhile, the vibe you send to them screams, Oh, I care, and it does matter — a lot. But right now I’m pissed as hell, so I’m going to pretend I don’t care and refuse to engage with you. You won’t be able to do anything about my anger. I’m going to make you FEEL it for awhile. Until I feel better, I will make YOU feel bad.

This can blow the relationship apart—or it can blow it open and create an opportunity for growth and transformation.
But positive change can’t occur until both partners acknowledge and commit to changing the way they energetically wound one another without words. So, if you recognize yourself in this article, I challenge you to find the courage to change your own behavior before your partner calls you out on it (or walks away from you entirely).