Do you have a penchant for a bad boy?
The frisson of excitement that comes with dating an unpredictable charmer isn’t worth the inevitable heartache that comes along with it, according to sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox.
She points out that so-called ‘nice guys’ are actually better in bed than their roguish counterparts – and research backs up her claim that the man who is kind to his mum and volunteers in his spare time will out-perform the hot barista who never calls before 11pm.
Here, Tracey tells Femail why women would be wise to opt for ‘nice’ over ‘bad’, and why your libido – as well as your friends, family and bank balance – will thank you for it.
Finally – research reveals what most sane women already know: nice guys get laid more often than bad boys.
Exploding the ‘treat them mean, keep them keen’ myth, researchers found selfish people scored poorly when it came to love and sex.
‘Bad’ people are fabulous if you’re looking for a holiday romance or quick sex fling, or want to try out a totally ‘out there’ sex fantasy without being judged for it.
But who in their right mind would actively seek out a ‘bad boy’ for a serious relationship unless you have desperately low self-esteem, a ‘victim’ mentality, or some serious issues going on?
Here’s just a few reasons why nice men are both nicer and sexier – and always have been.
- Nice men like sex just as much as bad boys
Just because he’s nice, doesn’t mean he’s a saint.
A US study of 500 college students found people who were rated as ‘nice’ had more marital sex, long-term relationship sex AND casual sex.
Asked to answer if they’d give all or part of a lottery win to charity, those who said yes had much more sex than those who said they’d keep it themselves.
The stereotype that nice equals weak is false.
Studies show nice people are not necessarily less assertive or competitive than ‘difficult’ people.
Psychologists define nice people as those who score high on a personality trait called agreeableness – your over-riding concern is having happy, positive relationships with other people.
Case closed for any female who has even a hint of intelligence and self-esteem.
Don’t mistake drama for love. Rollercoaster highs and lows aren’t passion, they’re a sign of incompatibility.
Calm is good. Look at how it ended for poor old Cathy with Heathcliff.
- Nice men are confident – not cocky
There’s a huge difference.
Arrogant men consider themselves better than you and treat you accordingly.
Nice men are liked because they’re nice, so their confidence gets built for all the right reasons. Nice men aren’t just funny, they find you funny as well.
This reeks of self-doubt to me – and likely any other woman who’s cracked a joke and had their partner laugh appreciatively.
The nicer the guy, the more comfortable he is with women being ‘better’ than him – and the more fun you’ll have together.
The very definition of a nice guy is that he’s not duplicitous and is emotionally available: if he says he’s single, he is single.
When bad guys say, ‘There’s no-one special’, they’re not lying.
Their wife/girlfriend/girls they see whenever they fancy a bit aren’t treated like they’re special in the slightest.
Why would you want to add your name to the list?
- Nice men stick around when the going gets tough
Bad men don’t like commitment and that doesn’t just mean shying away from ‘serious’ relationships (you dare to ask if they want to do something tomorrow) or marriage and kids, it means not being able to commit to anything at all.
Like pick you up from work when you’re too sick to catch the tube or actually turn up when you’ve organized for him to meet your girlfriends, or be your plus one at that all-important wedding of an ex.
- Nice guys don’t ask for endless favors
Like loaning them cash, letting them crash ‘for a night’ without paying rent, borrowing your car, your credit card, your suitcase – anything at all that’s of value.
Nice men aren’t usually in a horrible financial mess and ‘between’ jobs. Bad guys are rarely in any other situation.
They also frequently have drug or alcohol problems, draining both your bank account, patience and sanity.
- Nice men make you feel great
They’re where they’re supposed to be, ring when they say they will, don’t let you down when you need them and are gloriously reliable and predictable.
Bad men are the opposite.
They’re never where they say they’d be, they’re never on time and they never deliver no matter how many times they say they’ll change.
This leaves you feeling jumpy, irritable and sleep deprived.