Newly Wed Leaps From A 10th Floor Hotel Balcony Where She Met Her Death During a Hen Party

The love that was but never lasted long enough to make memories.

Kirsty Maxwell fell from a tenth-floor Benidorm apartment in which five men were staying on April 29.

Scottish newly-wed was in a ‘state of terror’ moments before plunging to her death from a Spanish holiday apartment, a lawyer claimed yesterday.

The 27-year-old, of Livingston, West Lothian, had been on a hen party trip with friends at the time.

Kirsty Maxwell, pictured with husband Adam, fell from a tenth-floor Benidorm apartment in which five men were staying on April 29

Four men appeared in court in the Costa Brava resort yesterday to be quizzed under oath about the death.

Luis Miguel Zumaquero, the lawyer acting for Mrs Maxwell’s family, tried to have the men held in custody by claiming she had leapt from the balcony in terror.

In an oral submission to the court, Mr Zumaquero claimed a report on the tragedy by Spanish detectives described Mrs Maxwell’s actions as a ‘desperate measure’.

Quoting from the report outside court after the hearing behind closed doors, he said: ‘The police’s own report says that Kirsty ‘tried to flee.

This is a desperate measure, resulting from a state of terror, comparable to what happens to a person who jumps into the abyss from a building in flames.’

A report on the tragedy by Spanish detectives described Mrs Maxwell’s actions as a ‘desperate measure’

The four  were allowed to return to Britain without being charged with any crime despite Mr Zumaquero’s effort to ensure they are detained

Spanish judge Ana Isabel Garcia-Galbis will now review the evidence as part of an ongoing criminal investigation into the death before recommending whether the men should be charged and put on trial

Defence lawyer Roberto Sanchez described his clients’ decision to answer only defence questions as their ‘constitutional right’.

He said: ‘They have given the explanations we felt were appropriate and they have ratified their original police statements, which were very detailed and show they were in a different part of the apartment when Kirsty fell and didn’t see anything

Tests have shown Mrs Maxwell had a blood alcohol concentration of 2.79 grams per litre – putting her more than five-and-a-half times the Spanish drink-drive limit. She had not taken drugs.

Mr Graham told police she had been acting as though she was ‘mad, drunk or drugged’.

He said she had disappeared from his view as she headed towards the balcony.

-Daily Mail

Fans Mourn With Christina Shusho After The Passing Away Of Her Friend’s Son

Pole sana Mungu amuweke mahali Pema!! A devastated Christina Shusho is in mourning following the passing of a close friends son.

The gospel star’s fans joined her in an outpouring of emotion noting how hard the young man’s death has hit her after she posted a moving tribute to the family of the late young man.

She offered her grief and overwhelming sadness in the post below;

christinashusho; My condolences to this beautiful family, rafiki yetu @mireille basirwa amefiwa na mtoto wake wa kiume hii leo mchana.
Personally habari hii imekua ngumu sana kwangu.
So sad so sad so sad so painful ..eeh Mungu uwe faraja kwa rafiki yetu @mireille basirwa.

Below is a picture of the young man;

ChritstinashushoRIP

Christina added;

christinashusho;Boy, gone too soon, RIP @mireillebasirwaoff, haki pole rafiki yangu, kama mwanamke natambua ugumu, uchungu wa kuzaa unao pitia, I feel the pain. Ujue hauko peke yako , pole sana sana rafiki yangu @mireillebasirwaoff kupoteza kijana mkubwa oooh God mfariji wetu tufariji tena….mfariji tena mireille basirwa katika kipindi hiki kigumu.
RIP boy

Here is a picture of the young man and his mother below;

christinamourn(1)

 

May his soul rest in eternal peace!

 

 

Here’s How Emmy Kosgei Inspires Us To Celebrate Our BFF’s This Weekend

Singing sensation, Emmy Kosgei is revealing details of why she has the most enviable friendship yet.

It’s not many celebrities who take to social media to hail praises on their close friends, and so gospel singer Emmy Kosgei deserves our praise.

What we do know about celebrities is that they are always posting photos of themselves, or hanging out with the who’s who in society. so when one of them comes out to publicly praise a BFF we don’t know, we get excited.

Peep out Emmy Kosgei and her BFF interaction below, and tell us who else you think has an enviable friendship.

Screenshotfrom2017-02-12111228

 

Life lessons on friendship:: Some friends come and go some stay for a season and go, some leave footprints .. some are brought by God for a reason in a season,some stay while some graduate from frienship to family .. to soulmates .. to destiny helpers…!!!! dont hold or get offended when they go may be they have finished their assignment.. may God give you discerment to know when to hold and when to let go! #happybirthday @vickykitonga #sisterforlife #birthdayreflections (sic)

She responded;

vickykitongaI’m humbled that I’m a true friend who has stayed . I’m here to stay for life . Here to defend you , to support you, to keep your secrets, and to encourage you to discover where you ought to be … I love you too much …. thanks for the surprise this morning

Emmy replied;

emmykosgei@vickykitonga love you always hbd

Awww!

 

 

 

Signs Your Friends Are Actually Toxic for You

We all like to think our friends have good intentions for us all the time. This may however not be the case and here are some signs your friends are actually toxic for you.

1. They don’t support you. We all make terrible decisions sometimes, but that doesn’t mean your friends should stop supporting you through them — especially if you know it was wrong. Whether that means cheating on a partner, making a bad move at work, or bitching about one of your mutual friends, a real friend will support you and help you through it, not turn the other cheek.

2. They don’t make an effort with your new partner. Difference in personalities happen and it’s not uncommon for your friends not to get on with your S.O. for whatever reason — but if they actually valued your friendship, they should at least try.

3. They tease you about your insecurities. We all have insecurities (or if you don’t? YOU GO, GIRL) and tend to make fun of them as a defense mechanism, but that does not give your friends the right to tease you about things you’re not comfortable with. A joke is a joke; playing on your sensitive side is not.

4. Your parents don’t like them. Real talk: If you mom doesn’t like them, you probably shouldn’t either. What was it that Justin Bieber sang? Because he might not be a boy of much sense (most of the time, anyway), but he’s totally right about this one.

5. They’re not good at admitting when they’re wrong. We can all be stubborn and sometimes struggle to admit we’re wrong, but that doesn’t mean you should allow someone to put you down all the time — especially if they are obviously and morally in the wrong. Always be suspicious of someone who can’t apologize for their mistakes.

6. They make your other friends feel inadequate. If you’ve got friends in one group that make your friends in another group (whether school, college, work, etc.) feel bad because they “don’t know you as well” or “don’t see you as much,” this isn’t OK. They’re all your friends, so the chances are they’d get on well if they gave your other friends a chance.

7. They don’t respect your house. Friends that treat your house like their own is fine, providing they contribute to the endless pieces of toast they eat and actually tidy up the mess they inevitably create. If not? Get rid, yo.

8. They’re rude about things you like. It’s normal to have different tastes from your friends and to like different things, but that doesn’t mean to say they can openly and actively write off the things you care about — especially considering they should be the ones with your best interests at heart.

9. They’re aggressively competitive. And in turn make you feel weirdly embarrassed about sharing your achievements, namely because they always try to get one up on you and make you feel like you achieved little in comparison to them. This is probably not the case.

10. They tell people things about you that they shouldn’t. If you tell them something in confidence or share your secrets with them, only for them to tell their boyfriend because “they tell each other everything,” that is not OK. A friendship is just as special.

11. They make plans without you. They see other mutual friends behind your back and try to keep it a secret — only to accidentally let it slip and pretend to feel guilty about not inviting you.

12. They bring drama into your life. They’re the one that always cause beef at a birthday party, get too drunk on the night out, or accidentally-on-purpose end up matching with someone’s boyfriend on Tinder. If there’s something causing tension in your friendship group, you can rest assured they’re at the middle of it all.

13. They cancel plans with you last-minute. With no real rhyme or reason, they flake out on you at the last minute to make you feel inadequate or like they’re more important than you. Sometimes this might be great, but most of the time? It’s not.

14. They don’t make you happy anymore. Friends should be for fun times, having a laugh and emotional support — so if they’re not offering any of those things, even if they once did — then it’s probably time to get rid and make some new friends. A happy past doesn’t necessarily equal a great future, so don’t be afraid to wave good-bye if the negatives start to outweigh the positives.

 

 

 

Good Or Bad Friend? 6 Ways To Tell If People Actually Think You Are A Good Friend

Friends are as important to your well-being – if not more so – than family. Studies show the strength of your closest relationships lays the foundation for how you handle everything else in your life, especially stress.

But would the people you consider your closest acquaintances call you a good friend? Well, here are six qualities that make for the best of friendships.

1. You’re dependable.
You don’t have a history of flaking at the last minute, always. No shame in needing to reschedule every so often. But a good friend shows up for commitments — or at least knows how to warn well in advance when she might not be able to make something.

2. You’re not constantly judging her.
You may think issuing your humble opinion on another friend’s life choices, wardrobe or appearance is helping her out. But in most cases, unsolicited opinions just make you seem judgmental, mean, and potentially threatening.

If you’re looking to keep more friends around (and help them feel comfortable being themselves around you) try reserving your judgments and accepting them how they are.

3. You make plans.
Taking initiative to lock down time to hang is key in keeping a friendship going. Don’t expect your gal pals to always be the ones reaching out.

Two friends laughing, arms around each other

 

4. You respect the fact that your friend has a life outside of you.
Accepting that your friend isn’t always going to be free when you want her to be (nor prioritize your needs above hers every day) is essential.

Not granting someone enough space nor respecting her needs for alone time or significant others, can make you come off as suffocating.

5. You’re willing to compromise.
A friendship is a two-way street, not a dictatorship. Sure, you thought spending the weekend in the country with a bunch of booze and no tech was ideal. But your friend may not have the funds to go in on a share-house.

Plus, she may want to do something closer to home. Being willing to find a mutually satisfying middle ground is a hallmark of a BFF.

6. You show your cards too.
A willingness to share personal information, like the hangups you’ve had since childhood or your hopes and dreams for the future, is essential to making and keeping fabulous friendships. This will also make your friends open up more and feel secure yo share secrets with you too.

black-women-friends

 

 

Cosmopolitan

Facebook should have ‘acquaintance’ category: study

People cannot have 1,000 real friends on Facebook. Nor 500. In fact, anything over 200 starts seeming unlikely, an unusual study asserted on Wednesday.

Limitations on brain capacity and free time meant that humans can nurture no more than about 150 true friendships on social media, just as in real life, said a paper in the journal Royal Society Open Science.

The rest are acquaintances, or people recognised on sight. A theoretical limit of 150 friends has become known as “Dunbar’s Number” after British evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar, who coined the concept.

He also authored the new study, and concluded the same limits applied online.

“There is some flexibility, perhaps, but not very much, and it mostly depends on how weak or strong you want your friendships to be,” Dunbar told AFP.

“It is as though we each have a limited amount of social capital and we can choose to invest it thinly in more people, or thickly in fewer people. But you can’t exceed these limits.”

Dunbar believes human relationships are layered in ever larger circles from closest to furthest.

We have on average five intimate friends, 15 best friends, 50 good friends, 150 friends, 500 acquaintances and 1,500 people we recognise on site.

“The 150-layer is the important one: this defines the people you have real reciprocated relationships with, those where you feel obligations and would willingly do favours,” the scientist explained.

“People can (and sometimes do) have 500 or even 1,000 friends on Facebook, but all they are doing is including people who we would normally call acquaintances or people we just recognise by sight but don’t know very well.”

Facebook didn’t distinguish between types of friendship, Dunbar pointed out.

Psychologists like Dunbar believe friendship limits are determined by two things: the ability of our brain to process multiple relationships, and time limitations.

There has long been speculation that social media may allow us to pierce through some of these barriers, partly by allowing us to communicate with more people at a time — so stretching limited available social time.

For the new study, Dunbar used data from a two polls targeting more than 3,300 people in total in the United Kingdom.

The first group had 155 Facebook friends on average, and the second about 183.

When asked how many of their Facebook friends they could turn to for support in a crisis, people responded four.

Asked how many they could go to for sympathy, the answer was 14 — echoing the pattern of real-life friendship layers.

Dunbar said there are some people with more than 300 friends, of course, “enough to confirm the urban myth”.

“They are the exceptions and not the rule, and we have to ask how well they really know these friends after the fist 200 or so,” he said.

“We should also be careful not to include professional users such as Justin Bieber in here: journalists, congressmen, writers, singers etc use Facebook as a kind of free fan club — it doesn’t matter to them whether they really know these people or not.”

Photo Credits : AFP

Don’t Look The Other Way! 4 Easy Ways To Help Your Friend Save Their Marriage

Doesn’t your heart breaks whenever you hear of a marriage ending. I always wonder a few things like.

Did both partners do everything possible to keep that marriage alive?

Or, did that couple seek counseling when they felt like they were in trouble?

And lastly, did they have family and friends in their life to support them?

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and a Career Coach/Trainer. She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams.

According to Tiya, the last reason above is huge for her for several reasons.

Our marriages won’t benefit by having people in our lives who only tell us what we want to hear. We need the truth. As difficult as it may be to hear, we need to know when we are messing up.

Marriages require effort, and it’s important to have family and friends who support your relationship and will let you know when you don’t seem to be putting forth the effort. While it may hurt to hear, you need that truth.

If it were left solely up to us, many of our marriages would be in trouble. We sometimes need an honest, outside of the marriage perspective, to challenge us to be better spouses.

Family and friends want to see us happy. So friends shouldn’t let friends ruin a marriage. It truly does take a village, not just for raising children, but also in keeping marriages alive and well. Here are a few ways friends can stop friends from ruining their marriage:

Do a check-in

I’m not talking about being nosy and getting all up in folks’ business, but just asking “How are you? Are things good?” is enough. Sometimes, couples who are in trouble are waiting for someone who cares about them to ask that question.

If they say things are fine, respect that, but do pay attention to the energy and body language when they say it. It’s also okay to remind them that you’re always there for them.

Don’t be afraid to push back and challenge

When your married friend does come to you with a challenge he/she is having in their relationship, don’t be afraid to ask them what role they played.

While they may be taken aback by the question, they will appreciate your asking. It will shift their approach to the challenge and cause them to think what they could’ve done better.

Don’t encourage or support their infidelity

Occasionally our friends can get caught up in that grass is greener mentality, and it’s okay and necessary for us to reel them right back in. Just reminding them of what they have at home and how infidelity ruins families should do the trick.

Do listen and encourage them to fight for their marriage

Couples don’t need friends who are quick in encouraging them to leave their marriage. If the relationship is worth saving we must be quick to tell them just that.

Marriage has it’s ups and downs. It’s even harder when a couple doesn’t have support surrounding them. We need people who are going to love us enough to help us be the best spouse possible. Will you be that friend?

BlackandMarriedWithkids

Signs Your Girls Don’t Like Your Man

We have heard of or even been in situations where we don’t like our friends boyfriend or vice versa. But before we actually discover why that is the case, there are certain behaviors one needs to observe before jumping into conclusion. How do you tell your friends don’t like your man?

Here are some signs:

1. They snub him – They never, ever want to hang out with the two of you together. But if you’re up for a girls’ night they will come around. But to be in your boyfriend’s presence? Well, they typically make excuses. Perhaps you ought to wonder why they never want to see him.

2. They try to convince you to dump him – In a fight with your man? It’s guaranteed your girls will be beside you, rooting for you to dump that dude they cannot stand. But the second things are peaches and cream between you two, they back off a bit.

3. They constantly point out other men – If you’re out or share mutual friends and connections, your girls will point out eligible great guys and talk about great mutual male friends you share together. Why? They’re wishing you would break it off with your guy and find someone else.

4. Your boyfriend doesn’t like your friends, either – If your man doesn’t like your friends, it could be because they share nothing in common. Or he can tell that they just don’t like him.

5. They incite fights with him – Your BFF who likes to pick fights or is quick to stick up for you during a fight between you and your guy? She hates your boyfriend. She’ll also enjoy getting into debates with him and won’t shy away from disagreeing with him, because she isn’t afraid and most likely doesn’t respect him.

6. They tell you, straight-up – If your friends outwardly tell you they don’t think he’s good for you, they don’t approve. Why? Are they being bitchy or are they seeing issues that you’re avoiding or denying? This is something only you know the answer to.

Take your time and find out what the saltiness is all about, it could be genuine and you may need to re-evaluate things.

Does Your EX Want To Be Friends? Here’s How To Deal With Them

Breakups are one of the toughest things that you have to deal with. No one is ever prepared for it at any point no matter how bad the relationship was. It drains you emotionally and physically, some people choose to party to ease the pain, others choose to drink, while others choose to cry themselves until they become numb.

Once you break up, your ex might want to be friends with you. Question is do you want to and can you deal with being “just friends” with someone you once shared your life with?

If you ever find yourself in this situation and you don’t really want to be friends and want to distance yourself from your ex, here are four ways to do so:

1. Cut the communication, even if it’s hard – When you still keep the communication with your ex, chances are, he’s going to assume you’re still into him. If you cut the communication off and keep the no-contact rule alive, he may think twice.

2. Don’t reply – I know you can’t resist replying to his texts, especially if you miss him too. But in order to stop the feeling and move on, focus on something that keeps you busy, like writing, going to parties, hanging out with your best buds or simply going to the gym.

3. Don’t show him you miss him – Even if you do miss him, don’t show it. If your ex is cocky, chances are, he’s going to use that fact against you to have you wrapped around his finger again. Do not give him the opportunity to waste you like an old burger he’s accustomed to eating. Be like the five-star cuisine he barely eats.

4. Even if he shows you he still cares, don’t let your guard down ever again – Despite all the things he did to you, you will still love him. Don’t ever let your guard down, though. If you do, you’ll go back to the first step in the moving on process again and again, until he gets used to it. He’ll think you are just going to forgive him, even if he messes up one more time.

These tips may not work immediately they will take time so don’t beat yourself about it or be too hard on yourself.

-Elitedaily

These Are The Types Of Girlfriends Every Woman Needs

You’re heartbroken, nothing makes sense anymore, and all you do is cry and ask yourself what you did wrong. Of course the answers you seek will not come to you, so it’s best to stop beating yourself about it.

It may not be easy and hence you will need a group of friends to offer you support through this time. Not all friends will be willing to listen and not do anything about it. Each friend is different and hence will support you in her own way.

These are the five kinds of girlfriends you absolutely need to have pull you along

  1. The “Boyfriend” Girlfriend – This is your life partner, your best friend. This is the one person who is like the sister only that you’re not blood related. When you’re at your lowest she steps up to fill the void and vice versa. Every woman needs this friend in her life because she’s the one who helps you through all of your hardest times. And you will do the same for her because that’s what best friends do. She reminds you how strong, capable, amazing and resilient you are. Until you get to where you can believe that again, she’s there to prop you up, bring you bottles of wine, hug you, take you out and make you laugh.
  2. The “Hater” Girlfriend – This is a very close friend, who isn’t afraid to tell you the truth, she’s the one who reminds you why you broke up with your man in the first place. She’s there to act as the harsh one, the one who satisfies the petty desires you’re ashamed to admit to anyone else. She hates him so you don’t have to hold onto those ugly feelings in your heart. This friend is invaluable, as she reminds you of his lame qualities when all you can remember are the great times you shared. She may not take you over to the dark side, but she provides you with some much-needed levity.
  3. The Voice of Wisdom – This is usually a friend with some age and/or extensive relationship experience on you. She knows all breakups are different. She knows you don’t want to hear, “You’re going to be okay,” or “You should be thankful” from anyone. This friend offers constructive advice and ways to help you grow and heal. She draws your attention away from him and towards yourself.

However, her ways are subtle. If she shoves the medicine down your throat, you’ll run and never look back. She is spiritual, self-exploratory and has a wealth of knowledge from her own tough past to share. Listen and take it for what it is. There will no judgment or preaching, simply soul sharing.

  1. The Fun-Time Girl – This is the friend who will take you out to dance, drink and cry out your feelings in the club. It doesn’t matter if you are 30 or 40 years. Her purpose is so that you can live the house and seek adventures to distract your mind. You don’t need the hangovers because they don’t make you feel any better. You need to know the person you just lost is not the only playmate and companion you have.
  2. The Eternal Optimist – We all need hope even when all odds are against us. There should always be a kind-hearted friend in your circle who can provide grounded optimism and cautious hope. Yes, it’s true you never know what life will bring. Even in the most hopeless of situations, these thoughts can buoy you along, until you are far away enough from the situation to see clearly again. She offers objective enthusiasm and balanced input, always making you feel like you did the best you could, and it’s no one’s fault. Somehow, you will leave the conversation feeling justified, uplifted and comforted, even if only temporarily. Keep this one close by; you’re going to need her.

Friends serve different purposes in life, so keep in mind they can never be too many.

-Elitedaily

Reasons Why You Need To Cut Off That Friendship

Friendships are born out of common likes and with time it can either prosper of fizzle out. Sometime a friendship will die of natural causes, not to mean that you no longer care about each other but to show that you don’t view things the same way.

In other cases people change or you finally get to see the other foot, at this point its important o be objective with yourself , accept the situation and let go. But at what point does one do this?

When their character becomes questionable and you can no longer trust them for several reasons its best to keep distance. Eg. Someone who makes a pass at your man, one who is available only during good and happy times and not when you need them etc this is someone you need to cut off as they aren’t doing you any favours.

Jealousy/Negative – A friend who will never support your dreams or amtiouse and encourage you through things is not a friend. These type of people will always negate your thoughts and will always advice you on how much of a bad idea it is plus how it won’t work.

One sided – Just like a relationship it takes two to make it work. However if you are constantly the one making plans, calling to check up on them , asking for a meeting etc then you need to re-evaluate your friendship.

Honesty – You can’t tell if this friend is genuine or fake and far as the friendship goes it’s not crystal clear so you are unsure of their intention. It’s time to move forward

Different goals – Ever heard of this “Show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are” the company you keep tells a lot about you. I you don’t have goals aligned in making yourselves better then there’s no point of that friendship. This you will realise as you age, that even friendships are meant to push you to become better.

When you feel that you have reached the end of a friendship, do not feel guilty leaving them behind as you forge forward. Life doesn’t stand still and not everyone will make it to the finishing line.

Nigeria’s Jonathan says friends abandoned him after defeat

Outgoing Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan said Sunday that some of his friends deserted him shortly after he conceded defeat to his rival General Muhammadu Buhari in the March election.

Jonathan publicly conceded defeat to Buhari on March 31, a decision which was commended by local and foreign commentators and doused tension in the country.

“Some hard decisions have their own costs. No doubt about that. It is a very costly decision but I must be very ready to pay for it,” Jonathan said during a farewell church service in Abuja.

Jonathan’s public admission of defeat in the nail-biting election came more than six hours after he rang Buhari to concede, earning him widespread praise for statesmanship.

“If you take certain decisions, you should know that people close to you will even abandon you at some point. I tell people that more of my so-called friends will disappear.”

Many party faithful and erstwhile loyalists of Jonathan have either crossed over to Buhari’s All Progressives Congress or made harsh statements against Jonathan’s party or its leaders.

Jonathan said he was not surprised by the desertions or statements by his former loyalists, adding that former South African president Frederik de Klerk faced a similar situation when he decided to abolish minority rule in that country.

Jonathan said that de Klerk’s marriage to his wife, Marike, broke down after he took that decision.

“But that is the only decision that made South Africa to still be a global player. If by this time we still have minority rule in South africa, nobody would have been talking about South Africa in the present generation,” he said.

He said that ministers who served under him should brace themselves for “persecution” following his loss and his decision to concede defeat.

Buhari, a former military leader, is scheduled to be sworn into office on May 29.

Photo Credits : AFP

Steps: From lovers to friends

After a break up it’s highly unlikely that one will be able to maintain a cordial relationship with the ex depending on how they broke up. In some cases many will try and move on without any contact at all with the ex.

However for some, it’s likely that they would like to maintain a friendship of some sort especially if they share the same circle of friends.

It  is possible to move from lovers to friends without having those weird moments. Here is how to go about it:

1. Give time to heal: The first and foremost way to remain friends with your ex is to give time to both of you to heal and get over the break up. Befriending your ex soon after a breakup might not be a great idea. Do not fool yourself by thinking that you can be back to being great friends immediately as coming back to that comfort level of friendship will take time.

2. Be clear about certain limits: Be clear whether you want to have a platonic relation or expecting more. Do not send them drunken text messages. Make sure you always draw a certain limit which will keep you away from any more heartbreak and tons of hogging down ice cream which you surely will regret later.

3. Keep calm around them: Getting nervous or anxious will only worsen your problems. Whenever you are around them or are meeting them at a party or at a movie, keep calm. When you decide to go out for a movie or coffee, be calm and don’t show any emotions which might indicate something that you don’t want them to know.

4. Stop comparing: If you are getting along well, infact great with your ex as a friend do not bring the topic of what went wrong when you were together. This might not go down well with either of you as you might have to confront things that you might not be ready for. Be yourself and keep the relationship on the back burner and try to work on the friendship.

5. Use social media smartly: Stop stalking him. Secondly stop tagging him in every post that has a friendship quote or a friendship picture of cute kids. And lastly don’t keep on pestering them with messages, give them and yourself some much needed fresh breather.

-Iyer TNN

The 10 Worst Reasons to Stay Friends With Your Ex

Why stay friends? Are there any good reasons to stay friends with your ex? Sure. If neither of you has ulterior motives like the ones listed below, and if your friendship doesn’t interfere with your current relationships—a good litmus test is whether you’re comfortable hanging out with your current partner and your ex together, and whether your ex’s partner is comfortable with you—it could very well work. Ulterior motives can be sneaky, though—our minds have ways of disguising them as more innocent aims. So make sure you are being honest with yourself about what your true intentions are.

10. You have the same friends.
Research suggests that if your friends and family (link is external) want you to stay friends with an ex, you are more likely to do so. But that doesn’t mean you have to. Staying friends with your ex for the sake of social harmony is a noble goal, but if it’s your only reason for maintaining the friendship, it can be problematic. You have a right to spend time with your friends without your ex present, and you also have a right to decline invitations to events that your ex is also attending. Even if you are okay running into the ex from time to time, this doesn’t mean you need to be friends. It may be hard to see your ex as just another acquaintance when you have so much history together, but over time that history won’t be in the foreground anymore.

9. You feel bad for them.
If you initiated the break-up and your ex is not taking it well, the last thing you probably want to do is hurt them even more by rejecting their friendship. But it’s not your responsibility to nurse them through their heartache, and your support may actually make them feel worse. Research suggests that people like to know that support is available if they need it, but they do not like to feel needy. In the moment, your ex may crave your comfort, but at the end of the day your support is unlikely to help them move on if they continue to feel dependent on you. Instead of shouldering the burden yourself, make sure they are getting support from other people in their life. And if you owe them an apology, give them a genuine one, but don’t drag it out.

8. You want to keep tabs on them.
Even if you know that a relationship wasn’t meant to be, it can still be painful to think of your ex finding happiness with someone else. Staying friends may allow you to stay in the loop about their dating life and even give you some influence over it—a tempting prospect. But becoming your ex’s confidant may not benefit either of you in the long run, especially if you have mixed feelings about their efforts to move on. Even just remaining Facebook friends can give you a window into your ex’s life, for better or worse: in a Men’s Health survey of 3,000 people, 85% admitted to checking an ex’s Facebook page (link is external), and 17% said they did it once a week. But Facebook “stalking” tends to increase anxiety and jealousy (link is external). If you have trouble resisting it, you may be better off de-friending your ex, both on and offline.

7. You’re lonely.
When you go through a break-up, it can feel like there’s a hole in your social life, and that hole can take time to fill. If you’re feeling lonely on a Saturday night, having your ex over for a movie and take-out might sound more appealing than making the effort to go out and meet new people. But it can also lead you onto the on-again/off-again relationship rollercoaster (link is external), which research suggests is characterized by lower satisfaction, less love, more uncertainty, and more communication problems. It’s understandable to miss the intimacy of a romantic relationship, but putting yourself in the danger zone of hooking up with an ex may not be worth the short-term comfort. When you’re feeling lonely, turn to friends and family instead, and find ways to make the most of your alone time.

6. You’re having “grass is greener” syndrome.
If you’re not totally satisfied in a new relationship (link is external), research suggests you may feel more interested in keeping up contacts with your ex. It’s easy to romanticize the person you’re not with, since you’re no longer regularly exposed to their irritating habits. But this way of thinking is a trap, because if the grass always seems greener somewhere else, you’ll never be satisfied wherever you are. If you’re unhappy in your current relationship, it’s worth trying to address those feelings with your current partner rather than turning to an ex for support or as an escape. Adding the ex to the mix when your relationship is already in a complicated spot is only likely to complicate things further.

5. You hope that maybe someday they will change.
Maybe you broke up because your ex was unfaithful or drank too much, but you’re holding out hope that they will learn from their mistakes and eventually grow into the kind of partner you want. By staying friends, you’re able to keep them in your life and maybe even help them make changes. In some cases, hope for reconciliation (link is external) can motivate people to improve, but if your ex senses that it won’t be so hard to win you back, they may be more focused on trying to prove that they have changed than on making real changes, and you may be setting yourself up for more disappointment.

4. You want to keep them on the back burner.
A more cynical version of the preceding item is this desire to keep your ex around just in case you can’t find someone better. Needless to say, this approach is unfair to your ex, but it can hold you back as well. As I wrote in a previous post, playing it safe is not always the best approach when it comes to love. Sometimes you have to close one door, and close it fully, if you want another door to open.

3. They won’t take no for an answer.
You might not want to stay friends, but what if an ex does, and won’t leave you alone? As stated above, you have every right to say no to friendship. Make sure that you are direct with your ex about your feelings (and don’t be afraid to get the police involved if they push things too far). While a little Facebook “stalking” may be relatively harmless, true stalking is scary and unacceptable. And it is surprisingly common. In one set of studies, 40% of college students surveyed reported engaging in at least one stalking behavior (link is external) following a break-up, and approximately 10% engaged in six or more. These behaviors included things like contacting an ex after being told not to, or showing up at an ex’s residence uninvited. Anger, jealousy, obsessiveness, and need for control all predicted greater stalking behavior, so beware of these traits.

2. They still love you.
If your ex is still in love with you and you don’t feel the same way, the best thing you can do for them is to let them go. Spending time with them might make you feel good about yourself—who doesn’t enjoy being adored?—but it could be painful and confusing for them, especially if it gives them false hope. Even if you make it clear that you just want to be friends, it may not be clear enough to your ex. People see what they want to see, and rest assured they will be on high alert for any sign of returned affection. Your best bet in this situation is probably to minimize contact and let your ex move on.

1. You still love them.
Being in love with your ex, and secretly hoping to win them back, can be a powerful motivation for staying friends with them, but it’s also unfortunately one of the most dangerous ones. If your ex doesn’t want to be with you, there is probably little you can do to change their mind. Trying in vain will only lead to repeated heartbreak and make you feel bad about yourself. Spend time with friends who make you feel loved and appreciated. This ex is probably not one of them.

Source:www.psychologytoday.com

These are the type of friends you need to ditch

We all grow up around people and form relationships aside from those of our close relatives and families.

We  make friends in school, work, through social gatherings, by mutual association, through hobbies etc. It has always been said that you need to stick with your friends which is a good thing because you create a support system.

However not all people who are your friends need to stay in your life, this is because some of them don’t add much value to you and their behaviour isn’t that of a friend.

The contender – He worked hard to get better grades than you in school, tried to win all the girls’ attention, compared notes on who took the better holiday, and is now comparing your kid with his. Why are you still friends? Healthy competition between friends keeps both parties motivated. But if the camaraderie is about outdoing each other, your friend is your biggest competitor. So, tell him, ciao.

The MIA friend – She missed wishing you on your birthday, failed to turn up when you lost your grand mum. She is almost always busy when you call, and replies to text messages after a week, When you do make plans, she cancels last minute. Let this friend go. Face it; she does not respect your place in her life.

The commitment phobe – You’ve become his ‘run to’ person, yet he won’t pop the question. Like it or not, this person is just not that into you. Pursuing a relationship with someone who is taking it nowhere can result in damaged self-esteem. Better save your time and energy for someone who wants to be with you.

The smarty pants – Nothing is good enough for her. No matter how hard you try, she nitpicks — about your clothes, hair, car, dog’s breed. True friends don’t do that. Remember, when you allow someone to make you feel like rubbish about yourself, you lend more power to their burgeoning ego. Ask yourself, what does this do to yours? It leaves you insecure.

The sulk pot – It is all about their misery. And if you don’t give them a patient ear, they take off on a guilt trip. Take a break from this blundering person. Human beings feed of each other’s energies. If you’re constantly in their company, chances are, you too will turn into one.

The social-networkers – Social networking is great for networking. Keep it at that. If you’re spending more time with your virtual buddies than real friends, you’ve got a problem on hand. You need to get off Facebook and start meeting friends face-to-face. Your handful of true friends will be there for you. The 1000-odd Facebook buddies may unfollow you any time.

The office spouse – Either you or he is hitched. Yet, that doesn’t stop you from indulging in some harmless flirtatious banter. But you need to set boundaries if you wish to preserve your sanity. It’s best to nip it in the bud, before things go out of hand. Steer clear from this temptation if you don’t want to end up losing your job and friend.

The gossip girl – No point pretending to be someone who doesn’t care about what’s happening at the workplace. It’s okay to take a break and indulge in some tittle-tattle with the gossip monger. But is this little birdie tweeting at your desk way too often? You don’t want your boss overhearing a back-biting session, do you? It might generate unnecessary suspicion and ill will. Why go there?

Why married men should never have female friends

Remember musician Mary J Blige’s confession on why her 11-year marriage to Kendu Isaacs has been so successful? The songstress said that her husband is not allowed to keep any female friends and she doesn’t keep any male friends either because platonic relationships with the opposite sex do not work well with marriage. Can men and women be just friends really?

Some people tend to think that having friends of the opposite sex ruins marriages. Platonic friendships between men and women are often looked at the key to sex. Add a marriage tag to that equation and it is unacceptable.

Why are there so many cases of married men with ‘mpango wa kandos’? It all starts with we are just friends. You will often hear a man saying how he has met this great friend who is an amazing listener, she is not as nagging as his wife, when he is hanging out with her he feels like he is with one of the boys. They will go for drinks together with his click, sometimes even for road trips because after all what are great friendships for? They should be enjoyed right? One thing leads to another and the woman has fallen for the man hook,line and sinker.

The man will be spending over at her house if he is unable to go home after a few drinks while exploring the great friendship and then lies will begin as soon as the sex happens. ‘ I am thinking of leaving my wife because I don’t love her any-more’ he will say just to make sure she doesn’t doubt her place in his heart. 3 years down the line she is still a ‘MWK’ and he has not left his wife and he is not planning to.

Women should not get overly excited by that man in a marriage band making moves at you, if he wants a platonic friendship, he should perhaps try his wife or wasn’t that the reason why they got married in the first place. The foundations of marriage should be friendships right?

Some men use friendships as the bait to trap women. You will always spot that coy one from a mile away. If you hint as to why he is getting too close, he will say I just want to be friends. He will even go to the extent of talking about you to his wife. Your friendship will not be a secret, sooner rather than later the woman will fall for him.

Friendships with the opposite sex do not work in marriage because with friends comes sharing and with sharing presents an opportunity for emotional attachment. He will always feel the need to talk to his friend because she ‘understands’, she doesn’t judge and she is a good listener. He may not purpose to have an affair but with emotional attachment comes compromise leading to a physical attachment.

What’s your opinion, can cross-gender friendships work in a marriage?

Seeing family often could shorten your life – study

Seeing your friends and families often won’t make you live longer, a new study has found.

Researchers, from McGill University in Canada, examined ideas that social contact, or a lack thereof, is linked to mortality.

The study examined the strength of family ties and challenged long-held ideas that frequent social contact is linked to better health and longevity.

It explored the effect of various social stressors – using data from more than 100,000 people from across the world – and found a close-knit family has little effect on your lifespan.

And it found repeated contact with friends was more beneficial than with relatives – improving the chances of a longer life by around 7%.

But spending time with family members is actually worse for your mortality, as they can add stress to your life.

Dr Eran Shor, who led the study, told the Independent: ‘Our findings show a minimal effect of social contact frequency on mortality and call into question interventions and clinical advice that simply seek to increase one’s social contact frequency’

Researchers at McGill said that while the majority of existing studies reported a positive link between increased contact and longevity, their own study found only a very moderate effect when considering other variables, including age and scoioeconomic status.