Reasons why you can’t leave an abusive relationship

We need to understand why we are energetically connected or stuck in relationships that are not good for us, yet we know it.

Trauma bonding is the main reason why women cannot leave abusive relationships.

Women tend to bond with men that they have emotionally gotten attached either through intimacy, children, or conversation. As a woman, if you choose people who are not healthy in your space, you may tend to be very difficult because you do not know how healthy relationships feel or look like.

Your body doesn’t know that you are linking with an abusive person. A trauma bond is bonding with someone who is toxic, abusive. Trauma is what happens over time, it’s not like physical abuse or s33ual abuse. Does not happen once, but over a long time like being passive-aggressive.

Unless you are mindful of how your blueprint looks like, then you’ll be able to identify how an abusive relationship looks like.

When your friends and family see that you ain’t the same person, not the person you once were. Personality has changed, and they have seen things in your partner and ask things like, ‘why are you still with the person?’

You project your feelings to that person that you want to believe that the person you fell in love with is a good person but it’s normally a form of love bombing.  It’s normally a hard pill to swallow when you realize that the person you came to love is not the right man for you because the guy was love bombing you and playing with your emotions.

If she’s not your first choice, don’t waste her time

It is never easy to accept that you are in an abusive relationship, especially when you have children with a toxic man. This is because you do not want your child or children to live without a fatherly figure because you still have hope on the person and you can still see that the man has room to change so you keep blinding yourself.

In order to stop this trauma bond, you have to accept that it’s an addiction. You need to accept that this person is no longer the person you fell in love with. Accept that the relationship is over and you’ve been addicted. Your happiness comes first, and you have to decide on it and stop making decisions that are not geared towards your happiness. Just do things that make you happy and want to try to do different things that will help you from digressing from the toxic relationship.

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Dating A Man With A Temper

Does your man overreact to a situation when he is angry? There are many ways in which a man may overreact to a situation. For instance, if a man ignores you for a week because you were 10 minutes late for your date, that is an overreaction. If a man yells at you for disagreeing with him, that is an overreaction.

Do you find yourself coming up with little things everyday to make your man happy?

You have done everything you can to make your boyfriend happy. You try to do little things everyday to make him happy but when he doesn’t get what he wants, he pushes you away.

Bob grant advices on in an article on sheknows.

Understand the situation

When this type of man gets angry, he is not reasonable because he feels as if he is being attacked. For him, it is a life and death struggle. Most men have the maturity and self-control not to even consider injuring a woman either physically or emotionally when they are angry. A man with a temper has one goal – to protect himself at any cost, even if  it means hurting the woman in his life.

Don’t overlook the warning signs

The question I have received repeatedly regarding a man with a temper is the following: “What are the warning signs?” You should be concerned if he has a tendency to.

Become hypersensitive to conflict. He is easily offended and often takes the slightest setback as a personal attack. His hypersensitivity puts a woman in the position of having to walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting him.

Constantly blame others for his misfortunes. In his mind, there is always an excuse as to why his life isn’t what he thinks it should be, and he usually blames others for his life’s shortcomings. He does not take responsibility for his own happiness.

Become excessively jealous and control your behavior. Has he told you it is because he loves you so much or that he only wants to help you? Has he started telling you what to wear, who you can socialize with or where you can go? This is not love. This is considered control.

Demand unrealistic expectations from you. Does he expect you to be the perfect woman? Are you responsible for meeting his every need? If you disappoint him in any way, are you heavily penalized for it either through verbal abuse or passive aggressive behavior such as being ignored for days? There is no way an individual can live up to these types of expectations, and often it is difficult to always know exactly what the specific expectations are.

Will he change?

The danger of being with this type of man? He often isn’t interested in changing. In his mind, the problems that occur in a relationship are almost always the woman’s fault. His temper can actually make his partner believe his unrealistic and childish expectations. Such a man may be attractive when he’s in a good mood, but his dark side will rob a woman of her self-esteem and beauty the deeper she is involved with him. If you are concerned and think you may be in a relationship like this, please be cautious and remember to always put yourself first.


How To Help Someone In An Abusive Relationship

We all have a friend or atleast someone we know who is in an abusive relationship. We may not understand why they stay but criticizing them will not help either.

As a friend you may  want to help, which is all in good faith. However you may also want to know and understand that, in as much as your suggestions may be good you don’t live in the same house and therefore wouldn’t know what happens there.

Infact some suggestions may put them in more danger. If you wish you wish to help this is how to go about it:

1. Do not tell them what to do: Never tell the victim of a controlling relationship what to do. You do not know what the true inside of the home is like and you could compromise their safety even if you are just trying to help.

2. Listen: When your friend talks about their emotions and what is happening with them do not criticize them or judge them. Listen to them and express your concern. Let them know that you are there for them.

3. Ask: Ask your friend how you can help them. Do not promise things that you cannot do for them. Even small favors such as babysitting children or giving them a place to stay for a few nights can be extremely helpful.

4. Materials: There are a lot of reading materials out there that describe abusive relationships and help to get the victims out. If your friend has a safe place that they can keep these materials give them some to look over.

5. Advice: Even though you may mean well you must be very careful about the advice that you give someone in a coercive relationship. For example if you tell them to call the police or get a restraining order you may think you are giving them the right advice but this could make things much worse. Often times when the authorities are brought into a situation like this the abusive party will turn to violence because they are angry that they are no longer in control.

6. Professional Help: When all else fails suggest that professional help is in order. If they are able to suggest some therapists in the area that they can go to. A professional may be able to give them good tips on how to get out of the relationship.


6 Steps To Escape An Abusive Relationship

Tips for leaving an abusive relationship
1. Keep a diary
Leaving a relationship is a process. Even healthy relationships don’t end overnight. If you’re in an abusive relationship, keep a diary of the times that your partner becomes physical. Also, write down the times he uses verbal threats or makes threats towards your children, family, pets, etc. This will come in handy down the road if he or she tries to retaliate against you for leaving by telling lies to police, or taking your children away during the divorce proceedings.

2. Talk to someone
One of the most useful tools of abusers is isolation. In other words, they isolate the person they’re abusing from friends, family, and others who can help. Don’t let isolation occur to you. Talk to friends, family and other loved ones and let them know what’s going on. It may be embarassing but it really is helpful.

3. Set aside money and other personal items
The most common time a woman will get hurt in an abusive relationship is when she is about to leave. Because of that, when you do decide to leave you may need to do it in a hurry. Have some money set aside at a safe place (a family member’s house or safety deposit box) as well as clothes, medication, clothes for your children, etc. Set enough aside for about two weeks.

4. Plan where you’re going to go
Most couples talk about separating then plan who will live where afterwards, but because you’re most at risk for abuse when you’re about to leave, you need to do the opposite.This means, you need to plan where you’re going to go first then talk about it after you’ve already left.
Think specifically about where you’re going and who you’re going to live with. If you’re worried about being followed or stalked by your ex, don’t tell him where you’re going at all. Most women’s shelters, for example, don’t advertise their addresses because of angry exes.

5. Leave when your partner is not home.
If at all possible, plan to leave when your partner is not home. You can call later and talk about why you left. If he wants to meet to talk about it, don’t meet in private. Talking over the phone works just as well as talking in private, and meeting in a public place works just as well as meeting in private, too. There’s only one reason he’d demand to meet in private.

6. Talk through a mediator
Abusers are pretty smooth talkers. They didn’t start off by walking up to you at a bar and asking if they could begin an abusive relationship with you. Somehow, they subtly worked their way into your life and used words that made you love them and tolerate their abuse. Because of this, every time they talk to you, you run the risk of being manipulated by them again. This is what my friend meant when she tried telling me “I don’t want to get back together with him”. Don’t feel like you have to talk to him directly. Instead, you can have friends, family and even court appointed advocates talk to him.